Let me share something with you, dear readers: a story about creepy men who do creepy things while they must announce how magnificent they are at the same time. These men I refer to as creeps. My favorite kind of creep is the guy who must also announce that he ‘shines’, like he has some incredible talent, good looks and stud-like abilities that would only rival Superman. These men are totally full of themselves and string you along for a while, but when you refuse to do something completely inane that they suggest, like moving to Georgia, like they’re your life coach, they cut the relationship off completely and call you a bitch and possibly a whore (even if you haven’t slept with them–good one).
Case in point: I once knew this guy, let’s call him Mike Crane. He was the best man at my brother’s wedding. Handsome, tall, and made all kinds of googly eyes at me. So after the wedding, he comes over to my house with a 6 pack of beer. What a move. You’d think I would have fallen in love right there but for guys like Mike Crane, love costs you your self-esteem. This is the type of guy who thinks he’s the only one who understands the oh so subtle humor of ‘Family Guy’ and compares himself to Patrick Warburton. He thinks he looks like him. Not by a long shot, buddy.
He also fancies himself an ‘artist’ and attempts to show off his talent by showing me (a former art director at DC Comics) his little water safety brochure he illustrated, which my 6 year old nephew (or my cat on a good day) could have drawn. I didn’t have the heart to tell him how much it sucked. Yet, all the time, Mike talks about how he ‘shines’…. Whenever I hear the word ‘shine’, all I can think about is that movie where Geoffrey Rush plays that retard who bangs away on a piano and jumps in a swimming pool naked.
So we start talking on the phone and at first it’s semi-entertaining, but then the diety complex starts rearing it’s ugly head again. He tells me stories (again) about h
ow people stop him on the street where he lives in Myrtle Beach and think he’s Patrick Warburton. Isn’t Myrtle Beach a party town where there’s a LOT of alcohol being consumed? Kinda like a Jersey Shore type deal? Anyway, this guy just does not SHUT UP about the Warburton phenomenon and how he goes along with it and signs autographs and fools little kids at some amusement park, where there was a big video screen near one of the rides, where the real Patrick Warburton was introducing the ride..Maybe it was a Tick themed ride, I didn’t ask.
Regardless, Patrick Warburton has talent, he does lots of voices for great cartoons, he’s in movies, he goes to Comic Cons as a panelist, not some moron in a Tick costume, he was on SEINFELD, for Christ’s sake.
Mike Crane has a GED. The only thing he MIGHT have in common with Patrick Warburton is the stupid ‘8 ball’ jacket that David Puddy wore on Seinfeld. “All signs point to stupid!”
So this jackass tells me I need to leave my home, my family, my friends and everything I’ve known for the past 8 years to move by myself to Georgia alone where I don’t know anyone. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing that, besides, it’s completely insane, so now Mike Crane doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. I’m wondering if this jerk was just trying to set up franchises to put women he wants to ‘do’ in close range to himself. I would rather be starring in ‘The Human Centipede: The Squeakwel’, than touch this herpes simplex carrier with a ten foot pole.
So in the words of the great John Bender from ‘The Breakfast Club’ to Mike Crane, wherever you are… ”I wanna be just like you…I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights”.